03 January. It’s just left 7am UK time. My partner’s grandson has been staying with us and he’s eleven. A lovely wee boy, but he’s a wee boy and I don’t think he stopped playing his computer games or whatever they’re called till around midnight. I’d normally not be too concerned, but I am back to the day job tomorrow and I’ll have to be up by 6am so I can catch the 7.30am train and get to the new project for 9am, I cannot be late on my first day. Really nervous about the whole thing. And I have been off for slightly more than nine weeks, I’ve did a lot with this place but it’s the usual suspects, I’ve not once bitten the real problem, trying to look for support and finance, don’t know how to ask. I have a lot to do with this place bringing it up to date with files to post, needs done today because I ain’t going to have the time for the next few days, I’ll be too busy studying the paperwork on the guys that I’ll be supporting. 04 January. It’s left 7.30am UK time and I’m on the train to my day job. It’s a different project with the same mob that I’m trying out for three weeks, there’s supposed to be far less physical pressure, no ten hours running up and down stairs, we shall see. I’m really nervous, feel like a school boy starting his first day at school. Need to focus on the day job till I know what I’m doing so I won’t have as much time as I would like for this place. It’s been nine weeks since I broke my collar bone falling down stairs, need to get back on the horse and start properly paying the bills. 05 January. On the train for the day job, it was really mentally draining yesterday, so much to learn about the guys. I’ve a ten hour shift ahead, physically it’s a lot easier, there’s no running up and down stairs every ten minutes. We’ll see how things develop, still a nervey process. 06 January. It’s left 9pm UK time. I’m on a train returning home after my third ten hour shift since getting back to work. I’m mentally exhausted cause there’s so many differences regards the paperwork and administration of the medication, but I’ll get there. The physical effort is way very much reduced and at my time of life that’s what I need. I’m off tomorrow, I have a lot of thinking to do on the material I’ve been posting, I think I need to make more effort on my campaign files. Need to give it a lot of thought. 08 January. It’s 8am and I’m on the train going to the day job. My first week is under my belt but I’m still getting to grip with the guys and the medication regime, I’ll get there. Did a lot of research on gaining campaign footage and I gained the last of the December files from the box. I’ve drastically reduced the scheduling of footage from the box, need to put more focus in on the campaign folders. 09 January. I have been watching telly all day, episodes of Lewis; not a very good day. There’s so much to do with the site but I’m so unfocused. I guess my mind is on the day job on my day off it. I’ve checked the PayPal account and the bank account and there’s nothing there, no surprise. The site has to change focus, I need to work on research for the campaign files. I’m thinking I should focus more on one or two, but this is docterr.com and I’m supposed to be highlighting and documenting terror in all its guises. I’ve a lot of thinking to do. 11 January. I was on the day job all day yesterday, been off today, but simply couldn’t motivate myself. I think this place is on a path that is leading to closure. It’s not a money thing as so far as the name and server are concerned, they were paid just before Christmas. It’s to do with me doing the same old and I’m talking to a wall or more accurately myself. I’m trying to sort my head around the day job, the totally different environment, different guys. But I’m also trying to get my head around nobody offering tech support or financial support. The strong feeling persists that the world out there ain’t interested. 12 January. It’s 8am and I’m on way to the day job. I’m on week two at this project and I’m starting to get to grips with the guys, the meds and the procedures. Every day is different so we’ll see what is in store today. The site is always on my mind, but the clear lack of interest isn’t helping my lack of motivation. 13 January. It’s left 10.30pm and I’ve been on the day job, not long home. Having a whisky and chilling out before bed. My brain is tired but I couldn’t sleep just now. I’m off tomorrow and Monday and need to work on the site. Decisions have to be made. 14 January. It’s getting increasingly concerning how I’m not getting involved in the site. There’s no excuse. My partner has been working since say 2pm, I’ve had a whisky and watched an episode of Lewis. I seriously need to get my finger out, and it needs to be tomorrow, my second of two days off from the day job. 16 January. I’m back on the day job today, still getting to grip with all the new tasks. Our boiler hasn’t been working since Sunday night, the parts shall be delivered today so there should be heating when I get home tonight. Just reminds me how fortunate I/we are in that we can afford heating, so many people can’t and I’ve had a wee glimpse at their life. 17 January. It’s really freezing out there, just home from the ten hour day job shift; I’m not moaning about the weather, I’m a proud Scot and the only thing us in Scotland lack is half decent weather. Sitting relaxing with a whisky and defrosting, I have to be honest, shall I watch a Lewis or do a post? I’m a massive Laurence Fox fan so the former wins. 20 January. It’s past noon in the UK and I have my first sleepover on the day job today. I’m supposed to start at 11am but I’m getting 5 hours annual leave, got plenty and it’s to be used up by the end of March. I’ve been gaining January files from the box, they’ve got to be edited. Still learning the day job, quite complex. 21 January. It’s left 2pm and I’ve finished my first sleepover at my new project, I’m not as tired as I thought I would be. I’m going to chill out for the rest of the day. I really need to work out the path for the site, it has to be me gaining campaign files, but it doesn’t matter what I post if I’m not getting responses. I’m off from the day job tomorrow and I’ve a lot of news files to sort out. 23 January. It’s left 5.30pm UK time and I’m on my way home regards the day job. Was quite pleased with the files I got sorted yesterday, I’m off the day job for the next three days and need to sort out various things. By the time I get home we’ll see but after the day job, my elderly brain is pretty much mush. On the day job the powers that be have concluded that one of our service users needs to be detained, it’ll happen on Thursday. There has to be two staff present when supporting him and he’s been targeting the manager since last week. Her manager and his manager both advised my manager to go home to defuse the situation which she eventually did. Shame, I didn’t get to know him but he’s on the maximum medication, medication resistant; don’t know what will happen to him. 24 January. It’s left 1pm and I’ve been scribbling my notes on the routines of the new project I’m at regards the day job. I’m used to working on my own when working on the street, I’ve did twenty years of working as a team when at the project, but this place I’m now working at has a number of service users that are there due to court order and/or Government order and it’s totally different. My first of three days that are my own and a chunk of the day has been on how to adequately or properly support these guys. I’ll be doing some work on my files to prepare to post but its getting increasingly difficult to motivate whilst I feel I’m simply talking to myself. 25 January. I guess I’m going through a crisis just now trying to work out the path for the site. I’ve gained 55 new registered users so far this month, yet nobody wants to comment. I really don’t get that, why register on a site and don’t contribute? I need the site forensically looked at but that costs money that I don’t have. I need to get motivated. On the personal front I was looking forward to seeing my granddaughter tomorrow, but that’s had to be cancelled cause the three of them are unwell, hopefully sort something for next week. I do not know my road of travel, if people out there have a problem making a comment, why don’t they email me, the address is on the home page. 26 January. Other than posting a campaign file earlier, I’ve did nothing regards the site, the crisis continues. I have January files to edit but cannot motivate myself. I’ve been watching episodes of Rizzoli & Isles, I like cop shows. Tomorrow I’m back to the day job and I don’t have a day off till next Friday; two sleepovers ahead of me. I seriously need to get my head straight and work out what I’m doing with my life. I’ve always felt my efforts on this site was my push against all the evils and threats I perceive against our culture, but there’s simply no support and you can only be a one man band for so long. 27 January. On way for a ten hour shift regards the day job. I feel mentally drained and that’s before I start, I just don’t see an end to this, but we plod along. 29 January. It’s after 6pm and I’m home after a sleepover at this new project. There’s so many different papers to sort out. The relationships are supposed to be ‘different’, I’d argue restrictive. Not been there a month and had my knuckles rapped for my mouth. I need to think and develop on this, it’s unfair at this time, me just coming off a sleepover. 30 January. On way for a ten hour shift at the new project regards the day job. I don’t know if I’m giving in on the site, it’s all the effort that’s involved and I’ve always felt it worth it, me doing my wee bit. But with no response from the world implying there’s no interest, what good am I doing? The site is my passion but things need to change, I’m no spring chicken and can’t keep banging my head against the wall for nothing. 31 January. I’m on way for another sleepover at my new project. It’s taking up all my energy to get my head around the workings of the place, totally different from what I’m used to, it’s far less physically exhausting, far more relaxed, but perhaps more thought provoking. I’ve not had the pc on for ages, not looked at the site. I need to make a decision on my path.